The End of Bumble

The other night, I was in bed wearing some oversized pajamas, rubbing my stubbly legs together, eye mask already sitting on top of my head, when I thought, “This would be a great time to do some swiping on Bumble.” I took out my phone — actually, who am I kidding? My phone was already out as I had just spent 47 minutes scrolling Instagram, then taking “What cupcake flavor are you?” quizzes on Buzzfeed…but I digress. I opened Bumble on my phone and swiped left and right, deciding if a Bumble bio was witty enough or judging if a person’s first photo was a group shot or not. When all of a sudden, it happened…again.

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“There are no new bees near you.”

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Well, shit. If there were a digital representation of hitting rock bottom, this would be it — getting an actual message that there is no one out there for me on a platform that I didn't even really want to be on in the first place. I immediately thought, “Well, that’s it. I’m going to die alone.” Then after the initial panic, anger, disheartenment, and general apathy towards life itself passed, I was presented with the option to lower my standards.

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“I guess I could increase the mile radius for people I’m willing to date. Maybe dating someone in Long Island wouldn’t be that bad — how hard is a two-hour commute for a date anyways? And so what if I have already increased and decreased the age limit of potential suitors? What would adding another year or two on either end matter? I’m sure I can find something in common with someone ten years younger than me who just graduated from college. I’ve heard of Ariana Grande. I’m still cool. I tried a Juul once.”

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So I did it. I adjusted my settings, got a whole new batch of bees, and began swiping. Until that first match. I looked up their profile and began to wonder, “Do I really find them cute? Do I actually want to hang out with them?” And then I realized how tired I had become. I knew that I should message — I wasn’t ever going to meet someone if I didn’t try, right? But still, I was just So Tired. “Tomorrow,” I thought. “Tomorrow, I’ll send them a message.”

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I closed the app, took another Buzzfeed quiz that told me the year I will get married depending on what pancake toppings I chose, and went to bed. I woke up the next day, got dressed, and went to work. Same ol’ same ol.’ I got home, watched some TV, then went to bed when I realized that I had 35 minutes to message my match before it disappeared. 

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I looked up their profile again and tried to send something funny that wasn’t too long so I would appear witty without being over-eager. Then I swiped some more knowing that I might hear back or maybe I wouldn’t. I might go on a date or maybe I wouldn’t. I might have a great time or maybe they would cancel at the last minute. I mean, I know someone who met their girlfriend on Bumble so it happens, right? I just have to keep trying.

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And I did. Until I got too tired or had too many bad dates in a row, and then I stopped going to the app after my Buzzfeed quizzes and I kinda forget. 

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Then some weeks passed, maybe even a couple of months, when all of a sudden, I get a message.

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“Your Bumble account is about to disappear if you don’t sign on.” 

I realize that I haven’t met anyone IRL recently, so maybe I just need to try harder this time. I sign on and “OMG! Look how many people are on here! I’m getting lots of matches! This is great! I’m really going to give it my all. I mean, my friend told me of one of HER friends met her boyfriend on one of these, so it really can happen!” So I swipe and I swipe, and the cycle begins again. I hope that I don't reach the end this time.